Once There Was
by Archangel Barton
Summary: Once there was a man who yearned death more than he did for life...but everything changed when he met Sendoh Akira. [RuSen; One-shot]


Title: Once There Was  
Author: Archangel  
Archive: Spellbound, FF.net, AKML  
Rating: PG-13  
Genre: Slight Angst, Major Sap  
Type: One-shot Fiction, Rukawa's POV  
Pairing: RuSen  
  
A/N: Dedicated to Chache-chan who wished I could contribute something for Valentine's Day which is of course dear Sensen's b-day. This one's for Chache, her sister and my ultimate love, Sendoh Akira who (as we all know) belongs to Rukawa Kaede. Bwahahahahahahaha!  
  
Summary: Once there was a man who yearned death more than he did for life...but everything changed when he met Sendoh Akira.  
  
**Once There Was**  
**by Archangel**  
  
_Rukawa's POV_  
  
"Death is something that is unavoidable. Something inevitable. And all of us are to go through that stage of final grace. It's the reality of life."   
  
_I am Rukawa Kaede, 24 years old…_  
  
"So we ought to be prepared to die…for death is like a thief in the night, you'll never know when it's coming."  
  
_A grade school teacher._  
  
"So live every day of your life as if it were the last. Make your mark in the world."  
  
_Single…_  
  
"And make it beautifully."  
  
_But very much in-love._  
  
"Sensei," A student of mine raised her hand to speak. "was there ever a time when you wanted to die?"  
  
_A time I wanted to die?_  
  
"Oi, Mariko! You're rude! Don't ask Rukawa-sensei such morbid things!"  
  
_A time I wanted to die?_  
  
"Ne, sensei?"  
  
_Death…_  
  
"Ha…hai?"  
  
_I did yearn to perish among the gray ashes of dark souls…before._  
  
"Was there a time when you wanted to kill yourself? Commit suicide?"  
  
_Death…_  
  
"Oi, Mariko!"  
  
***  
  
Death. I was so used to it.  
  
As a child, I grew up in the company of toys. Talking alone just to amuse myself.  
  
I grew up in the shadow of loneliness and guilt of having to be born alone. For having to be born itself.  
  
I aged with screaming and shouting as the music to my ears, the clashing sounds of broken plates and crushed figurines as my bass and drums. I aged with the sight of my tearless mom so numb of the pain. I aged in the presence of a father who was frustrated with his life.  
  
I aged alone.  
  
And how I wished I just died.  
  
Yes, once in my life I did wish to die.  
  
I grew up with money. They always gave me money. It is actually all they could give in compensation for their untimely separation and busy, worthless schedules. And with all those cash, still I am left to do my own shopping. Alone to use them, alone to enjoy them.  
  
With all that money, all the goods I had because of it, what am I? What increase in dignity did I have? To play basketball alone, to watch television alone, to eat alone, to sleep alone.  
  
They left me to live alone.   
  
Then I thought I wanted to just lie there breathless, pulseless, colorless.  
  
I wanted to die.  
  
I tried to fight. Tried to gain prestige by myself. Tried to achieve victory alone for it was what I was used to.  
  
But I was weak. In my power I cannot win, I fell short of what was expected of me.  
  
I failed and I had to endure the pain alone.  
  
And I wished someone would be kind enough to just bury me to the ground and leave me alone…which was what I was ever since I became what I am.  
  
And there did came a time when I wanted to kill myself.  
  
To just end the pain of failure. End the pain of looking sadly in my own reflection wishing I had enough compensation for what I had to go through in this nuisance, my life.  
  
There came a time when I wanted escape from a world where I thought nobody understood me. A time when nobody wanted to listen to my concerns because they're too busy to think about their only child's problems.  
  
I wanted to die.  
  
And I desired for death more than I yearned for life…for I felt worthless, useless, and unneeded. Amidst the people who claimed they care for me, they no nothing of me. They love what I can do, what I had perfected with my time of being alone, but never will they love me for what I am.  
  
They're hypocrites. I don't like hypocrites.  
  
I wanted death more than the hypocrites.  
  
I always wanted to die.  
  
But once there was a time when I met someone who I loved beyond all boundaries.   
  
Someone who I wanted more than death.  
  
Someone who I yearned for other than dying.  
  
Someone powerful, someone special, someone I never thought I would be attracted to.  
  
Somebody like Sendoh Akira…more so to love Sendoh Akira himself.  
  
A 'your highness' of pride, a signal 7 thunderstorm, a man-made airhead. What else?   
  
Oh, someone who smiles like a geek and is very touchy on games…likes to body up with you on court and speak that exasperating trash talk. What more?  
  
Ah…with a weird looking hair and a peculiar eating habits. A man of strange style and fashion sense yet definitely, absolutely, and perpetually cute.  
  
Yeah, that's Sendoh Akira. My sugar crème puff.  
  
Damn, that's way too corny, wasn't it?  
  
Nonetheless, as I was saying, I never thought I'd be enthralled…completely captivated by his charms. Because the next thing I knew, I was walking like an idiot in the midst of the city looking for his house…dying to see that mesmerizing smile again.  
  
Right then and there, I knew I was like a fish who caught a large bait…a rat who found a big creamy cheese by the mousetrap, so unknowing. I was so drawn into Sendoh Akira.  
  
Because right then and there, I was certain that it was him I was so madly looking for…almost forgetting to draw the line between sanity and insanity just to get a glimpse of the beauty which was him alone.  
  
Right then and there, I knew I felt something different.  
  
But I never knew exactly what it was until one unforgettable night as I went along with my teammates to finally get a social life.  
  
And he was there…amidst the numerous glamorous girls, flirting. In the most liberated nightspot I ever knew of.   
  
And what's with the pain of seeing that?   
  
What's with the girls who had the complementary reproductive organ enough to last 5 sweat-filled minutes of passion?  
  
What's with the long hair and the slender hips, huh? What's with the cherry-red lips and the thick lashes? What's with the cleavage and the lean legs?  
  
And what's with a boy like me? Some strange boy who's falling deeper and deeper with the person in front of him…silently? Unrequitedly?   
  
What's with a boy like me to be at par with those girls, huh? Tell me.  
  
And before I knew the answer, I realized that an inescapable fact lies just right before my eyes - I was so damn jealous. Yes, I was way too jealous. Way too insecure.  
  
Being at par? Competition? With whom?   
  
With the girls.  
  
With women made of mature body structures, fertile enough to secrete and has the 'lock to the key', if you know what I mean.  
  
Damn.   
  
But then I thought, who is Sendoh Akira anyway?   
  
Oh the denial. Obviously a flimsy excuse to cover up the pain of my useless, pointless and right-less insecurities.  
  
But it was inexorable. The rebuttal in my mind is but the yearning of my heart which is entirely different, absolutely contrasting with what I wanted to deny.   
  
It's not the circumstance that I'm in. It's not the fact that I'm male. It's not the fact of unrequited love that I'm supposed to be engulfed into. It's not the disgrace I see that I ought to indulge myself in. It is what I yearn for…it is what I hoped for.  
  
And all comes down to one person, it was the man in front of me, amidst the alluring women and the sedating smoke and wildly stimulating drinks. It was Sendoh Akira.  
  
And with my eyes I saw two pairs of blue orbs staring at me in the same way I was staring at them.   
  
And as the bastard that I am, I turned around to look for an exit, comfort room maybe…just any form of escape of which all my efforts proved unsuccessful for strong hands got a hold of me. And I need not look to find out who it was…because it is the same pair of hands that touched me during games. They are the same fingers that taps mine as I secure the ball. It is the same hands I try to catch each time I get an opportunity.  
  
"Hold it, Rukawa."   
  
They are the same pair of hands I wanted to hold for all eternity.  
  
And looking intently at me are the pair of sparkling blue eyes that I wanted to show all of me. And so I was ecstatic…yet I never showed it.  
  
"Missed you." Such a tease…a seductive smile. "Never thought you'd be in a place like this…and in clothes like that."  
  
Oh the seduction. The teasing voice and the intimidating smile. A perfect stance and a wildly, maddening silent proposition. Is there any way I could stop time and get in some oxygen to breathe?  
  
Yet no matter how I wanted time to stand still, the world won't stop for me. As the lights alternately changes, the music vibrating into my ears, nameless bodies bumping my own in a formless dance driven by zeal and utmost passion, I chose to sway into the rhythm with my eyes transfixed upon the man I desired the most.  
  
And he did the same to me.  
  
We danced to tuneless rhythms. Freed our worn out bodies to a dance of ecstasy both wordlessly wanting to get the upper hand. We entered a silent contest of dominance with the use of our bodies. Both wanting supremacy over the other as our hands travel to different sites, heightening our bodily desires.  
  
And it was heaven. Because I knew that this is going to be the last chance I will be able to do this…hold what I was holding and reach for what I was trying to hold.  
  
I am indeed desperate. Leveling myself this low for sexual heightening for a thought that this is the farthest thing I'm gonna get.  
  
Suddenly I figured, this isn't supposed to be me and this isn't supposed to be where I am getting at.  
  
"This is going nowhere, I'm so bored with you." I said.  
  
"What do you mean you're bored with me?" was his irritated reply. I couldn't blame him though, after all that physical heightening, I would stop and act sarcastic. And so I remained silent. "Am I not good enough for you?"  
  
I gave him a glare. Was he not so slow to have asked me this? 'Am I not good enough for you?' That's a little slightly higher than bullshit, isn't it?  
  
"Try me." He challenged.  
  
"Where?" I asked.  
  
"Here and now." was his unwavering reply.  
  
Silence.  
  
Silence against the music.  
  
Me against Sendoh.  
  
Me against myself.  
  
Can I say that I lost, for I gave him a kiss?  
  
A kiss. I thought it was a kiss and I impulsively kissed him.   
  
I thought it was a kiss when he meant to dance.  
  
I did so without thinking.  
  
After what seemed like eternity, I said, "You're still not good enough for me."   
  
And I am still not good enough for myself more so for other people.  
  
After all these years, I still felt that way. So powerless, so meaningless, stupid, impulsive.   
  
The humiliation, to myself and to Akira.   
  
Am I so destined to be alone and can do best when I am alone? That is if my best if good enough?  
  
Again, I wished I died long before.  
  
But this time, I lacked the courage to end my own life. I didn't know why.  
  
Emptiness maybe. I felt so empty and wanted Akira to fill them for me.  
  
Loneliness probably. I felt so lonely I wanted Akira to smile for me.  
  
Worthlessness perhaps. I felt so worthless and I wanted Akira to need me.  
  
And it all counts down to Akira…Akira…Akira.   
  
It was Sendoh Akira. My solace, my strength. And I yearned, needed, cared and loved Sendoh Akira for the longest time keeping my sanity intact to counter the weakness which was me myself. And I unconsciously wanted life more than I yearned for death because there was Sendoh Akira…  
  
And that had given me the courage to face my own fears with conviction. He had given me a reason to know what I wanted, know what I needed and get what I loved the most.   
  
And it was he himself.  
  
And I again found myself walking amidst the city looking for his dwelling. The difference is, before, I yearned to see him from a distance, contented with his sight alone. Now, I wanted more than the sight of him. I needed more.  
  
I endured the pain of walking, endured the difficulty of embarking on a journey where I have no idea where I'm headed. Until such time when my body gave up, a time where I had to sit in one corner of the street and mix my tears with the sympathizing rain. Talk alone…to again, amuse myself.  
  
"It's not good for a sportsman like you to be hanging out in the rain."   
  
And it was him indeed. Of all the places I chose to drop my knees and weep from failure, here he comes and shows himself up to me. "The kiss was great but it could've been greater if you warned me about it." He jokingly said.  
  
"Sendoh, I -" I wished to tell him how I felt. Wanted to tell him how much he means to me and how I wanted him to be a part of my life in a different way. I wanted to tell him of how willing I am to prove how much I love him and wanted him to know that I need him…to exist.  
  
Because there is no life without Sendoh Akira.   
  
He's the only one of great value to me…even greater than that of death which I yearned for all my life.  
  
But he interrupted my train of thoughts when he said, "I think I know what you're about to say. I guess there's no need for words when we could -"  
  
A kiss. An impulsive, entirely automatic at that. And I believe that a kiss is all it takes to show him how much I waited for this moment. "I love you." I finally confessed.  
  
I was greeted with shocked eyes that turned into two curved lines as he laughed discretely, "Can we do that again? And this time please warn me if you're gonna kiss me? I didn't quite enjoy it honestly."  
  
"Okay, I'm going to kiss you…right now." I said and kissed him with so much pent-up passion I kept for so long. And how I wished everything lasted forever because it felt so great when he responded to my fervent kisses.  
  
And I could not think of anything comparable to that happiness.  
  
"I love you." I repeated. "Tell me you feel the same way."  
  
He looked deep into my eyes and his stare bore a hole into my soul, searching the truthfulness of my words. "Yeah. I feel the same way. I feel the same way for you."   
  
And that was enough for me to finally hold into my arms the body I wanted to hold forever.  
  
Enough for me to hold into my arms the person I want to protect.  
  
Enough for me to hold into my arms the person I greatly love.   
  
"I said I love you twice. Aren't you being a little unfair?" I asked after we broke off from what seemed to be a lasting embrace.  
  
"Okay, okay. I love you." He teasingly replied.  
  
"Sounds forced to me."  
  
He stopped smiling and looked intently into my eyes, "I love you." he said. "I love you Rukawa Kaede."  
  
"I love you more." I replied, and I meant every word of it.  
  
***  
  
"Sensei? You haven't answered my question."  
  
"Mariko! Gomen ne, Rukawa-sensei." said the class president.  
  
"No, I'll answer your question, Mariko-chan." I said. "The truth is, I did want to die and wished I was dead awful lot of times in my life."  
  
"Sensei…"   
  
I continued, "But I was blessed with one person who gave me a reason to live and to yearn for life than that of death.  
  
"And I finally realized that living is such a blessing. You only live once that's why it's best not to drown yourself with misery and feed yourself with agony and pain when there are a lot to enjoy about life like loving. Everything is worth living. Most people fear death and yearn for life, while in my youth I had all the energy to keep up with everything and I chose to waste it by indulging with my useless emotions. It was so selfish of me. A lot of people die in order to survive while I hated living." I said.   
  
"So to finally conclude everything…"  
  
***  
  
_A lot of times in my life I did wish to die.  
  
There came a time when I wanted to just lie there breathless, pulseless, colorless.  
  
A time when I hoped someone kind enough would agree to just bury me to the ground.  
  
And there did came a time when I wanted to kill myself.  
  
A time when I wanted escape from a world where I thought nobody understood me.  
  
A time when I desired for death more than I yearned for life.  
  
But once there was a time when I met someone who I loved beyond all boundaries.  
  
And there was the time when he loved me back._  
  
"So was there ever a time when you wanted to die?" Akira asked.  
_  
And once there was a man who lived in the shadow of loneliness and guilt for being alive. And that was me.  
  
And once there was a man who saved me from demise and gave me new life. And it was Akira.  
  
And once there was us who made a mark in this world with our love…and made it beautifully._  
  
"No…not anymore, Akira. Not anymore." I replied. "Not while you're here."   
  
_And once there was today, today when Akira was born…a time when I was born as well.  
  
For there was no life without Sendoh Akira.  
  
I am Rukawa Kaede. 24 years old. A grade school teacher. Single, but very much in love._  
  
"Happy birthday, crème puff."  
  
A/N: Wow…this was quite long! Happy birthday Sendoh! Constructive criticisms most welcomed.  
  
[February 11, 2004 ^ 2:35 AM]


End file.
